it feels like an awkward relationship.
you fall off for years and years at a time.
maybe…embarrassingly a over a decade.
you even realize…you haven’t stepped into a library for embarrassingly over a decade.
countless times, in conversations i reference my has been love of reading.
before college, i would read on the toilet. don’t judge. you did it too if you’re a 90’s baby.
i would hide away during my 2 hour bathroom break and complete the remainder of my psychological thriller, mystery, whodunnit, steam-punk, dystopia, teenage rage page turner.
and prior to that, run me my Junie B. Jones, Amelia Bedelia, Chocolate Touch, Bearstein Bears, the books with the water color animals like The Caterpillar, Goosebumps and the Babysitters Club. i even enjoyed Archie, Veronica and the blonde one i can’t ever remember. Betty?
ugh. right after freshmen year, it was gone.
the urge to read for leisure.
like many, i had to read all of the time for homework and it wasn’t imaginative, creative, fantasy, heart pulling and exhilarating. it was the facts, the research, JSTOR, the deadlines, the big vocab words i didn’t care about but felt the pressure that i needed to know them to continue being “smart”, and the tests i needed to memorize each chapter for.
i decided without knowing it, that i’d rather create my own stories out of daily living.
2 years ago, one of my besties suggested that i get a library card as shes maintained one all her life i think (i could be dramatizing). she said she loves going to the library…and i’m just trying to catch up in my brain wondering…when the hell have i last been in a library?
everything is so…accessible through my electronics! you can even just LISTEN to people read the books for you. I couldn’t even get into that, however. i just…rarely read books.
i’m always impressed and amazed by people who maintain the habit of reading. challenge themselves on how many books they can read before the end of the year. one friend read upwards of 60 books…i really think it was 70.
and, as my jaw stays dropped, i remember that things don’t always just happen to you…
hear me out…
i love storytelling. in all forms. im a natural critique and lover of indie art, experimental art, and original works.
but, i loved books. i still love them as they entice me and i started to collect them. starting with self help books, movement books, books that i thought matched my time in life and thats what they were for.
but, the shelves remain untouched. my books are for decoration and a convo starter. the beginning of the conversation always starting like, “yeaaaah, i haven’t read it yet.” and, its been there for a year. palm to face moment.
for some weeks now, i’ve made my life much more simpler.
i ended any side gigs and businesses, i’ve dedicated my work life to just having one job, i’ve decided to scale back on my social expectations and circles, i don’t scroll on algorithm sucking platforms, and i stay home. while i’m home, i watch YouTube essays (okay, they use algorithms - whatever), i sleep, i watch indie horror gamers, and i find ways to play with my creativity. writing, a little painting, lately music, and surprisingly…i want to read again.
with my simplifying journey i’ve decluttered a lot. one day, i decided it was time to declutter my phone and phone screen. resulting in deleting 10,000 pictures and videos eating my phone storage, and deleting maybe 50 extra applications that i don’t use or have needed.
i ran across one app…my bestie told me to download it when she told me about her library card.
and i opened it.
it only could be used, if i had a library card.
no payment needed, thousands of books and resources both hard copy and audiobook are available to you…and i just needed this card.
why…i wonder, why don’t i face this demon?
why…don’t i get dressed…and go get a library card?
i had to own up to the fact that i hadn’t necessarily tried to revive my love of reading. it was easier to accept that it was gone forever, but with having WAY more free time and brain space and patience…maybe it was time to try again.
because believe me…i did try.
i was reading Assata Shakurs bio, which i swear was interesting…but not enough as i felt that i was forcing two things. the understanding behind the history of movement work…and fucking reading.
i stopped of course. it wasn’t sustainable.
i tried again before that, reading The Four Agreements which i swear…will somewhat change your perspective on life…but at that time in my life, i was thirsty for help and receptive to questioning how i may be the cause of many of my anxieties, insecurities and woes.
i’ve even stepped into our local library chain 5 times in one year! it was for work, but holy shit! that's probably a 150% increase! If my math is right…which it's probably dramatics…but until that year (which was last year) i hadn’t gone into a library since my undergraduate years in 2014/15.
the feeling of realizing that gap of visitation, was weird. i didn’t feel ashamed, but i felt like i was way off the beaten path. i hadn’t incorporated a library visit in my life for almost a decade.
thats a long time.
but, never had i been so teased as i kept collecting books i would imagine myself reading.
when i saw that app, i decided to try foreal.
Stepping in the library again
Seeing the book i previously looked up, joined with a book club and movie viewing
Awkward relationship with book
Feelings of guilt if i don’t make time to read it or feel like reading
